Tears, tantrums, and trauma. No, I’m not talking about a kid’s birthday party, or the latest boy band breakup. Instead, I’m talking about the wedding guest list – a seemingly simple enough concept that for some reason cannot be executed without violent outbursts, emotional blackmail, or objects being flung around the room. But what is it about compiling a guest list that is so difficult?

There are two common problems – amongst others – which are encountered when compiling the dreaded guest list. The first? You know what they say about too many cooks, right? Well traditionally, the invitations are divided between three groups –the bride and groom, and the bride and grooms respective families (although if your parents are divorced and have since remarried, depending on how you wish to do things, you could be looking at a possible five way split. Yikes!) This inevitably causes problems, as everyone will have conflicting ideas on who should and shouldn’t be invited. Your mother will insist on inviting aunties and uncles you didn’t even know you had, while your father-in-law-to-be will want to invite all the members of his local darts team. And to top it all off, your fiancé wants to invite his hideous drinking pals. You’ll be left wondering if there will be any room for your friends.

And then there’s the other challenge – deciding exactly who are the right people to invite. You may be feeling on top of the world and wish to invite everyone you’ve ever known since you were five, regardless of whether you actually keep in touch with them or not. You may even feel that you have to invite everyone you know for fear of offending them if you don’t. But unfortunately (or fortunately, depending on how you look at it) that isn’t always possible. Your budget and the venue’s seating capacity will dictate how many people you can invite. It’s pointless inviting 450 guests, when it means you can only afford to serve them crisps and lemonade, and they’ve got to be packed into the reception like sardines. For this reason, you’ll have to streamline your guest list, and select people who mean the most to you.

Guest lists, along, with organizing seating plans, and choosing your wedding attendants can really put the stress into wedding planning. However it’s important not to let the stress get on top of you, or you may find yourself without a wedding to plan! For those of you who aren’t too sure how to get started on the guest list, here are some points to think about. And while I can’t promise it’ll be all peace and harmony at Walton’s Mountain, I hope it’ll make things a little easier. Good luck!

1. Allow yourselves plenty of time when compiling your list. There’s nothing worse than having to rush. It means you don’t get things done properly, and you feel under pressure.

2. Before your families get involved, have a brainstorming session with your fiancé. Think about the kind of wedding you really want. Do you want a big elaborate bash, or a small intimate affair? Bear in mind that at this stage nothing is set in stone, but at least it will give the chance to discuss how you see your wedding – and try to compromise if necessary.

3. Which comes first – the venue or the guest list? It’s a new take on an age-old question, and some people are confused about which they should sort out first. You have two possible options: If you’ve got your heart set on a particular venue, find out the seating capacity and work your guest list around that. Otherwise, decide how many guests you want to invite, and then find a venue which can accommodate all your guests. There’s no right or wrong way. Naturally, everything will have been finalized before you order your wedding invitations, so don’t worry.

4. You’ve got to start thinking about your budget, and what you can and can’t afford to have. Unless you’re lucky enough to be a Hollywood A lister, one of the Sultan of Brunei’s children, or your last name’s Trump, there’s a chance you won’t be able to afford a wedding with 500 guests and all the fancy trimmings. So if you want a rock star wedding, but you’re working with a luncheon meat budget, you’re going to have to make some cutbacks – somewhere! If you are adamant that you have to have the designer gown, the eight course meal, and bottles of the finest Cristal, the obvious – and most sensible solution – would be to reduce the guest list. Don’t think that just because you are having a small wedding that it will be boring. Alternatively, don’t think that your 350 guests won’t be entertained just because you’re not having a huge fireworks display.

I once went to a wedding where the reception was held in a tiny flat, there were about forty guests, no chocolate fountain, no live band, no five tiered wedding cake and – shock horror! – no elaborate floral arrangements. But I can honestly, hand on heart, say that it was without a doubt, the best wedding I’ve ever been to. There were a great mix of guests, and it was the genuinely happy people who made the event what it was. So think about what’s really important to you – what you absolutely have to have, and what you can do without.

5. This is where the fun begins! Ask both families to draft their lists. This is not the finalized list, but it would be wise at this point to let your families know what kind of a wedding you would like. If you want a small wedding, now is the time to say so, before they get too carried away.

6. Compare all lists with both families. Check, double check and treble check that you’re happy with the lists and no one important has been left out.

You should compile a main guest list, which lists all the people you can’t get married without. This includes:

i. Immediate family
ii. Close extended family
iii. Close friends

You MUST also include:

i. The clergy and his/her spouse
ii. Parents of the ring bearer and flowergirls,
iii. Spouses or partners of anyone in the wedding party.

8. You will also need a secondary list of people you can invite as your main guests drop out. I know that sounds demeaning, but be realistic, you can’t invite everyone you’ve ever said hello to in your life. And it’s not as though you have to tell them that they are on the B list! People to include on this list are those you know and like but don’t see all the time, or aren’t so close to. And remember you don’t have to invite all of them:

i. Neighbours – I shouldn’t admit to this, but I barely know my neighbours, and I wouldn’t recognize them if I saw them in the street. However that hasn’t stopped two of them from inviting me to their weddings, meaning it was either a mistake, or they were stuck for guests! There’s no need to invite the whole street – just the ones you know well.

ii. Business associates/colleagues – You are not obligated to invite those you work with for that reason alone. Invite them if you regard them as friends, you are happy to socialize with them, and most importantly, they will leave work in the office where it belongs.

iii. Guests for singles – You don’t have to allow all your single guests to bring someone. Quite often, it is the ‘plus one’ on the invitation who can really bump up the cost of the wedding. This option could be reserved for your guests who won’t know anyone else at the wedding (apart from the bride or groom that is)!

iv. Club/group/society members/ evening class students – You may have thirty plus people in a group. Can you really afford to invite them all? Are you the best of friends with all of them? Invite the ones you’re closest too.

Don’t worry about offending people. If you are not that close, they’ll probably understand why they were not invited.

9. And of course there’ll always be those you probably won’t want attending your wedding. These may include:

i. Ex partners – Brad Pitt decided not to invite former fiancée Gwyneth Paltrow to his wedding to Jennifer Aniston, while Bruce Willis happily witnessed the nuptials between ex wife Demi Moore and Ashton Kutcher. Putting your exes on the guest list is a matter of personal choice, and it’s got to be a decision you’re both happy with. But remember if his ex is not welcome to your wedding, then you can’t sneak your childhood sweetheart’s name on the list!

ii. Children – Don’t feel guilty if you want your wedding to be a child free zone. But if kids are not invited to your wedding, make sure that it applies to ALL children, and not just some of them. That includes family, and may mean no children in the wedding party.

iii. Anti social people – It’s a sad fact that there are some people who should not be allowed out in public. So if they get embarrassingly drunk, chain smoke while others are trying to eat, are in danger of starting an argument, or use the kind of language a drunken sailor would approve of, but not your great Aunty Doris, then don’t invite them.

iv. Estranged/Long lost relatives or friends – Once you’ve announced your engagement, you can be certain that friends, acquaintances and relatives you’ve lost touch with will resurface. You don’t have to invite anyone just because you are related or because you once knew them. If you were wearing a christening robe the last time you had any contact with your godparents, I doubt it’s worth putting them on the guest list. But where relatives are concerned it is a good idea to consult your family first.

v. People you don’t like – Admit it – we’ve all got a relative or acquaintance we wish we’d never met. If you really cannot stand them, and the sight of them knocking back your champagne is likely to make you turn green and start throwing furniture about, definitely DON’T INVITE THEM!

vi. Those who didn’t invite you to their wedding – Enough said!

10. If the ceremony venue has limited seating, you might want to draw up a list of guest to invite for the evening reception, providing there’s room. But remember, you cannot invite guests to the ceremony only!

With a bit of luck, this should make things a little easier for you. And in order to avoid conflict and stress, a little give and take is required (think of it as an excercise for what lies ahead!) Think about who is paying for the wedding. If either or both sets of parents are paying/contributing to the bill, then it’s only fair that their wishes are taken into account, and some kind of comprise is reached. If you can afford to fit in a few extra guests, do so if it will make someone happy. Just make sure no one oversteps the mark, and you don’t feel coerced into agreeing to anything you don’t want – you don’t want to be a pushover either. Get the balance right, and hopefully everyone will be happy.

Til next time

Lesley Anne

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It seems celebrities think they have the right to crash weddings and get away with it. In fact Ashton Kutcher and his production company Katalyst Films, Inc have decided to create a reality show that crashes the weddings of unsuspecting couples. The new TV series based on the hit movie Wedding Crashers (see the trailer) will be shown in 2007 on the US network NBC. It will feature a whole host of actors, who will deliberately set out to confuse and amuse wedding guests on the most important day of their lives in each of the planned six hour long programs. Sadly Vince Vaughn and Owen Wilson, the stars of the movie Wedding Crashers will not feature in the show.

It might well become compulsive viewing, much like Kutcher’s celebrity practical joke show Punk’d on MTV, but really how funny is it to potentially ruin a bride’s wedding day just for the sake of a cheap joke! Reading the twenty or so comments at WeddingBee.com, I’m not surprised to learn that the majority of brides would be horrified if Kutcher turned up at their wedding. As TVSquad.com quite rightly points out, emotions are already high on a wedding day and the sight of a TV crew descending on your wedding could really set the fireworks off! The only saving grace is that the program doesn’t set out to embarrass the bride and groom, but instead has the actors entertaining the wedding guests with funny stunts and pranks at the ceremonies and receptions. It still sounds like a recipe for disaster to me but I admit I had to laugh when reading Cinematical’s take on this new program, speculating that Kutcher’s next reality TV show would be based on the movie Snakes on a Plane.

A little research shows that Ashton Kutcher won’t be the first celebrity to crash a wedding, others include:

Oprah Winfrey

Oprah has surprised a number of brides in Tulsa, Oklahoma (or should I say Oprahoma, as reported in the press!) by crashing their weddings back in June for footage that can be seen in a September episode of The Oprah Winfrey Show. Oprah and her best friend Gayle King unexpectedly attended the weddings of Morgan and Bethany Francis and Ben and Heather Klein, one after the other.

Oprah may only spend 10 minutes at your wedding but she certainly makes them memorable by posing for pictures with the wedding party and mingling with your guests. Though, if there has been no tip off you are likely to spend all of this time in shock!

The new Mrs. Francis was reported to have said:

"I tried to compose myself, but there's no way you can do it when there's someone that famous in the room"

If Oprah does crash your wedding though, don’t expect an expensive gift, and certainly not something that is going to stretch her purse strings - disappointingly Morgan and Bethany were just given dishes from Dillards department store. I ask you, you would expect something a little better than that from Oprah wouldn’t you!

Finally, catch this exclusive video taken of a bride shortly after she had had her wedding crashed by Oprah!

Madonna

A few weeks ago Madonna and her husband Guy Ritchie surprised British couple Imogen and Neil McCarthy and their 70 guests as they were enjoying their wedding reception at the 5 star Hotel De Russie in Rome. Madonna, in Rome as part of her Confessions Tour, was keen to congratulate the happy couple and wish them well.

The BBC state that the DJ Luca Lacovello, on noticing her, immediately played Madonna’s hit “Hung Up”. This went down like a lead balloon with the Queen of Pop as she didn’t want to draw attention away from the bride.

Bill Clinton

Back in 2001 US President Bill Clinton crashed a wedding in the grounds of Rudding Park, Harrogate, North Yorkshire. Following a round of golf at the reception venue he noticed a newlywed couple and took the time out to wish them well and appear in a family photograph. The bride and groom were delighted to welcome this unannounced visitor to their wedding.

Which celebrity would you like to crash your wedding?

Check out the other celebrities that people would like to see attend their own wedding on this BBC survey The miscellaneous list includes celebrities such as Nelson Mandela, Lady Margaret Thatcher, James Brown, Imran Khan, Freddie Mercury, Sir Sean Connery, William Shatner, Robert De Niro and Al Pacino to name just a few.

How to recognize the 8 different types of Wedding Crasher

1. The uninvited stranger

The movie Wedding Crashers is based on two young womanizers, Jeremy played by Vince Vaughn and John played by Owen Wilson, who use weddings to date women. This is the most popular type of uninvited stranger you can get at a wedding. Their motto is “Life's a party - Now go out there and crash it!”. They like to take advantage of the free food and booze and use the romance in the air as a cunning way of chatting up women. Experienced wedding crashers such as these will have all the tricks up their sleeve, and from an entertainment point of view this is where a lot of the laughs in the film come from. You can even visit the movie site to get instant access to the ultimate Crasher Kit. This includes how to make culturally sensitive name tags, the book “How To Crash Weddings” by the master and original crasher Chazz Reingold, lessons on how to impress the kids and melt the moms by creating a balloon poodle and how to print your own hero photo of yourself as a adventurer, soldier or sport hero.

In fact if you really want to beat the wedding crasher at his own game you need to read “The Rules of Wedding Crashing” as an education and for amusement. Of the 115 rules, I have a few favorites that make me laugh - these include:

Rule 7: Blend in by standing out.
Rule 15: Fight the urge to tell the truth.
Rule 39: The way to a woman's bed is through the dance floor.
Rule 41: Never hit on the bride -- it's a one way ticket to the pavement
Rule 88: You're from out of town. ALWAYS.
Rule 92: Tell the bride's friends and family that you are family of the groom and vice-versa.

2. The invited guest that drinks heavily

This wedding crasher can easily be managed if you do your homework first. If you are using a wedding planner they can be responsible for keeping their eyes on any likely suspects. I recommend you give the planner a list of names that might fall into this category. If you don’t have a planner you should pass this task to a responsible guest, preferably a non-drinker who can act as the "drunk person supervisor". I have written more about this topic in an article called "Tips For Dealing With Drunk Driving Guests At Your Wedding".

3. The larger than life guest

This guest gets all the attention for all the wrong reasons. Again the planner, or a chosen guest, should be notified of any guests that are likely to cause havoc if they aren't controlled. Often the groom is hesitant to name any friends that may cause a disturbance, but this can be easily solved by reminding him of the trouble he will be in if his future wife is upset by a scene on the most important day of her life. Remember, the advice given is straightforward and simple but at the same time crucial if you want to ensure an uneventful wedding!

4. The extra guest an invited guest brings to the wedding

Why do some wedding guests bring a friend or date if their invitation clearly just says their own name? This can create so much stress on the day and is a very selfish thing to do. The bride and groom will have spent a long time planning the seating chart, and the addition of one extra seat can ruin the whole set up. Lets also not forget that no provision has been made for the extra cover and thus ultimately the married couple will have to pay more than they had planned.

5. An ex-lover

This is one of the worst kinds of wedding crasher. Their sole purpose is to disrupt the wedding in any way they can. They are looking for maximum attention and will stop at nothing to ruin the day. Quite simply you have to remove this type of crasher as quickly and as quietly as possible. In most circumstances brides and grooms will be aware of the likelihood of this happening and should advise the guests that they feel will be able to diffuse the situation. Sometimes ex lovers arrive at the ceremony unannounced and even though may quietly sit at the back, their presence is enough to cause considerable stress. A softly softly approach would be recommended in the first instance, so as to avoid a major outburst, especially if you are in a church. Obviously less diplomacy can be used during the reception and afterwards when matters aren’t so delicate.

6. The crasher from next door's wedding

Beware of wedding crashers from reception venues that are hosting more than one wedding at a time - this is often the case with large hotels. Your wedding may seem a lot more fun than the one next door but this doesn’t mean you want everyone to join in!

7. The curious crasher

This crasher is naturally curious and tends to appear at weddings taking place in hotel resorts close to public traffic. They simply see the fun going on and slip right up to the free bar! Often they will have been attending another formal function in the hotel and thus are dressed smartly and blend in with your guests.

8. The criminal crasher

This crasher has no interest in taking part in your wedding, they will be looking to take advantage of you and your guests. Many married couples like to display their wedding gifts in an open and public manner. This tradition is ok as long as it is only accessible to guests and can be easily monitored. Ideally you only want to allow your guests to place the gifts in one designated area in a secure place.

Tips for spotting a Wedding Crasher

Even if a wedding crasher isn’t causing any harm, there is no forgetting that they are eating and drinking food and drink laid on by you for your invited wedding guests. Therefore, if you cast your mind back to when you were budgeting for the wedding, you will remember wrestling over the numbers fully ware of the expense of inviting just one more guest. One extra guest can cost as much as $150 / £80 more - this is when it really brings home the fact that uninvited guests are definitely unwanted!

If you spot a crasher you should quietly ask them to leave, so that you don’t cause a scene. On most occasions this will work and you can quickly get on with the rest of your wedding. If you try to catch a wedding crasher out be prepared for the old chestnut, "don’t you remember me I’m the second cousin removed"!

In order to write these tips and help you spot a crasher before they cause trouble at your wedding I read the article which was called "How To: Crash A Wedding" at AskMen.com, written for the sole purpose of giving advice to potential weding crashers!

1. Crashers like to arrive late

The most popular time for a person to crash your wedding is after the reception. They like to arrive late so that no one notices their entrance. Typically everyone is looking forward to the first dance and less attention is given to whether any uninvited guests have sneaked into the venue. Everyone has had a drink, the lights are low and this offers the perfect opportunity for the crasher to subtly emerge from the washroom and hit the dance floor or bar.

2. Crashers like to blend in by standing out

They often take a bullish approach to crashing a wedding by standing out in the open. They will slip into the reception line and generally offer a warm handshake to everyone. No one will recognize them and all will be too polite to ask who they are. The crasher will offer such pleasantries as "It's a great day, isn't it?" , revealing absolutely nothing about themselves. My recommendation is to call their bluff and start to ask some personal questions. This way you can reveal their true identify.

3. Crashers like to look the part

Crashers will typically make the effort to look smart, wearing something like a classic black suit to blend in with the rest of the wedding guests. The last thing they want to do is look over the top, after all their aim is to impress the ladies present.

4. Crashers like to do exactly what an invited wedding guest would do

The ultimate way to blend in is by dancing with the oldest women at the wedding, something only a real guest would do!

5. Crashers like to pretend to be a long lost relative

Understandably it can difficult to keep track of all the relatives at a wedding. A wedding crasher will pretend to be a long lost relative. They know the that brides and grooms can’t possibly keep track of all the distant relatives invited to the wedding. You have to laugh when AskMen.com suggest that pretending to be Great Uncle Terrence from Kalamazoo will do the trick or that phrases like "I'm the second cousin thrice removed on your uncle's side" will pull the wool over everyone's eyes!

6. Crashers like to carry gifts

An experienced crasher will carry a beautiful wedding present, often one they have picked up from the gift table! They rely on the fact that no one suspects someone who has been kind enough to bring a gift.

7. Crashers like to pretend to be working at your wedding

Are they pretending to be a member of staff? Remember, hired hotel staff often don’t know each other that well so it is very easy for the crasher to blend in. They will be quick to pick up a tray and pass themselves off as one of the caterers. The more daring will even try to pose as the reception manager, walking in with a clipboard and tie. You simply trying to call their bluff by asking their name may not be enough as they often turn the tables and ask for your name. It doesn’t just stop with the kitchen staff - the more adventurous crashers pretend to be part of the weddings band!

8. Crashers like to pretend they are Bob's friend!

Often crashers find it difficult pretending to be on the groom or brides side. The oldest trick in town is thus to say you’re a friend of Bob’s! With so many people at a wedding the numbers work in a crashers favor. Variations of this are Muhammad or Viji for an ethnic wedding.

9. Crashers never speak about themselves

Wedding crashers will comment on anything but themselves, so expect remarks about the food and service but nothing that gives away their real identity. They will never volunteer more information than they have to. If forced they will say they are an old friend of the groom’s or used to date the bride’s best friend. You may find them excusing themselves or changing the topic of conversation if you ask too many awkward questions.

Remember, as long as there are parties there will be party crashers – and this is exactly the same with weddings!

Watch out!

Hi Everyone,

I received this question from a bride-to-be regarding how to handle divorced parents in the run up to and during your wedding:

My parents are divorced and although both of them seem happy that I am engaged to a wonderful man my Mum is hesitant about me getting married; I think because of the way that her marriage ended. I am also very worried about how my parents will behave on our wedding day. We haven't booked anything yet but I don't want to be worrying on the day about my parents hurting each other. It's not as if they can't stand being in the same room together but my Mum often gets hurt and is sensitive to what my Dad says. What can I do?

This was my reply:

It is totally understandable that your Mum is hesitant about your future marriage. With the statistic that in some US states 1 in 2 marriages end in divorce its enough to make anyone pessimistic about a marriage working.

Make it clear to your Mum that you are fully aware that the divorce rate is high but you are optimistic and believe that you are lucky enough to have found your soul mate. Explain to her how much you love your fiancé and how your relationship is different to her and your Dad’s. You should reassure your Mum that every marriage is different and not all marriages end like hers. Remind her that she had good years with your Dad and you were a product of that, which I am sure she would not change for anything!

Whilst the prospect of your marriage should be a happy one for your Mum, try to understand that it is bound to stir up bitter-sweet memories for her of her own wedding day. Your Mum will have been anticipating your wedding day since you were a little girl and I am sure that she wants it to be perfect for you.

Point out to your Mum that as you have lived through and experienced second-hand the demise of her marriage, it has given you the knowledge of pitfalls which can occur in a married relationship and how to deal with them.

Try not to let any of your Mum’s negative feelings towards marriage influence how you view your future nuptials. Remember that your relationship with your fiancé and indeed your wedding day are unique to you. Enjoy the wedding planning process - this should be the most fun part for you and your fiancé.

There are bound to be difficult situations for both you and your parents on your wedding day. It is only natural that you are worried during your pre-wedding planning stage about how your Mum and Dad will behave on your big day. You want your wedding day to be perfect without any embarrassing or awkward confrontations. You say that they are able to be in the same room together - well, that is a start!

I recommend that before you start organizing your wedding and booking venues, setting a date etc. that you sit down and talk with both of your parents. Preferably you should speak to them both together or, if this is not possible, separately. Whilst you should not have to remind them of what is and is not acceptable behavior for your wedding day, you should communicate your concerns about possible clashes between them.

Remind them that they just have to get on together for one day which is important to you. Inevitably your parents’ thoughts will drift to their own wedding day but you should remind them that your impending nuptials are a time for looking forward, not into the past! The best scenario you can hope for is that they put any bad feelings they have for each other aside and come together to support you on your wedding day. At the very least they should be able to be civil to one another and maintain a cool composure in front of your wedding guests. They may be divorced but they do have something major in common, namely you!

Discuss with them your hopes and expectations for your wedding day and what roles you wish them to play in it. The more detail you can give your parents the better, so that they know exactly what to expect on your wedding day. Ensure that your parents both understand the logistics of your wedding day. They should know when and where they will be expected to be during your ceremony and reception. Avoid confusion and let them know this information as far in advance as possible - this is crucial to the smooth running of your wedding day.

I am sure that as child of divorced parents you have had to suffer divided loyalties before, but during your pre-wedding planning just try to take into consideration both of your parents’ feelings. They will both want to feel equally important on your wedding day. Ask them to tell you their apprehensions about your wedding day and try to come up with solutions which accommodate both of their requirements.

From what you say, it sounds like your Mum is quite a sensitive person, perhaps more so when in the presence of your Dad. Let’s face it, her daughter’s wedding is going to be an emotional day for her anyway so do expect some tears from her! However, there are some precautions you can take to preserve her emotions and ensure that there are no full-blown family dramas between your parents on your wedding day. Here are my tips for dealing with possibly difficult aspects of your wedding day.

Seating divorced parents

It is understandable that a common concern for a bride whose parents are divorced is where they will sit during the ceremony and the wedding reception. Remember that there are no rules about divorced parents having to sit together at their daughter’s wedding.

During the wedding ceremony

If your parents are able to be civil to one another then seat them together in the front row. If you think that this might be awkward and that they would be more comfortable sitting apart then either seat them in the front row and separate them by seating other relatives in between them, or alternatively your Mum should sit in the front row and your Dad in the row behind her with his relatives.

Another solution is that you do away with having a groom and bride’s side of the ceremony venue and advise your guests that they can sit on either side. This would allow your parents to choose where they would like to sit and would eliminate any awkwardness about their decision not to sit together.

During the wedding reception

To avoid awkward moments and stilted conversation on your top table perhaps you should consider the following options for seating your parents at your wedding reception:

♥ A simple solution would be to try the following seating arrangement on the top table: you and your husband in the centre, your husband’s parents (I assume that they are still married as you have not mentioned anything to the contrary) on each side of you, your best man and bridesmaid next, and then your Mum and Dad at opposite ends of the table.

♥ Rather than having parents sit on the top table with you, you could have a “sweetheart table” which is a popular alternative to a top table (David and Victoria Beckham had one at their wedding!). You and your new husband sit at a table for two which can be situated anywhere in the reception venue, although traditionally it is placed in the middle of the room with the other tables of guests forming a circle around it. This means that you could be surrounded by your family and friends and would be free to get up and mingle with them without feeling guilty about neglecting those guests on the top table. You could choose who to seat your parents with at separate tables. They would probably enjoy the reception more being seated amongst their friends and family.

♥ If you decide not to have a top table at your reception then you should not bother to have your parents’ entrance into the reception announced by the MC. Your parents certainly won’t want the additional attention such an announcement might bring to their marital situation.

♥ Undoubtedly your parents will want to be seated in a place of honor at your wedding reception but you might prefer to have them seated at separate tables. You could have your wedding party (best man, maid of honor etc) seated with you at the top table and then your husband’s parents jointly and your Mum and Dad separately host their own table of wedding guests. Their allocated table could be made up of their family and close friends - this will make each of them feel special and is sure to encourage them to relax and enjoy your wedding reception.

Always make decisions about the seating for your ceremony and reception well in advance so that there is no confusion on your wedding day.

Receiving line

Wedding etiquette dictates that you can either have a receiving line or not – the choice is yours! The purpose of the receiving line is to allow you and your new husband to greet your guests. Traditionally the bride and groom’s parents, particularly those who have contributed financially towards the wedding, also join the line to welcome guests to the wedding reception. Many couples nowadays skip having a receiving line at their wedding and perhaps in your circumstances you would prefer to do this too.

If you do decide to have a receiving line at your wedding then you should not stand your parents together in the line - have other members of the bridal party in between them. Check out SuperWeddings.com for receiving line order and etiquette.

Photography

It is best to fully brief your photographer before the wedding day so that they are aware that your parents are divorced and they can treat the photo groupings sensitively. You should not try to hide your parent’s situation from the photographer - they will need to know how to arrange family photos.

Are your parents likely to refuse to be photographed together? To avoid embarrassing situations on the actual wedding day, sound them out about this so that you have advance warning if a family or group photo is unacceptable to both or either of them. It is important that decisions are made regarding the photos and notice is given to the photographer in advance.

I would imagine that you would love to have a photo of yourself in your stunning wedding dress flanked on either side by your parents. If this is the case, then speak to your parents in advance to check whether they are willing to smile sweetly for the camera for such a photo. Explain to them how important a photo of the three of you together would mean to you – a bit of emotional blackmail never fails to work!

Toasting

It is traditional for your Dad to make a speech and toast you and your new husband during the reception. The best advice I can give you to avoid any awkwardness is to speak to your Dad beforehand and ask him to choose his words very carefully. As your Mum is sensitive, and will be more so on your wedding day, remind your Dad to focus on the positives if he is mentioning his own marriage or your childhood in his speech. Nobody wants to hear about their divorce or recriminations or regrets about his own marriage. Weddings are upbeat optimistic occasions and everyone wants to celebrate your relationship not dwell on the fact that some marriages don’t work out! Alternatively if your Mum is concerned that she may not be represented in your Dad’s toast or she wants to express her own happiness at your wedding, then you could ask if she wants to make a toast of her own. The new modern trend with weddings is that you do not have to stick to traditional wedding etiquette. Increasing numbers of couples are allowing other members of the wedding party to make a toast – it adds a unique element to your wedding day.

Bridal Dances

Again, to avoid awkward situations during your wedding reception, decide in advance whether you want the MC or DJ to announce a “parents” dance. Make sure that you tell your parents ahead of time what you are planning to do. If you think the “parents” dance is likely to make your parents uncomfortable then eliminate it from your reception. You could ask for it to be announced as simply a “bridal party” dance and ask the best man, Maid of Honor or other attendants to partner each of your parents on the dance floor. Simply explain the situation to the MC or DJ ahead of time so that they can make the necessary adjustments to their usual wedding line up.

For great tips and advice on how to appease both your Mum, Dad and even yourself during your pre-wedding planning, read this article from the Wedding Gazette.

Surviving the pre-wedding stage when you are caught between divorced parents is the most difficult part. I have personally attended many weddings where divorced parents were involved and there have never been any clashes. Remember that your wedding day is a happy optimistic occasion and your parents’ conflicts should not blight your happiness.

Don’t assume that your wedding day will turn into a battle ground that you have to survive! Whilst it will inevitably be a challenge for you and your parents, you have all survived a divorce so planning your wedding day should be a walk in the park!

Remember it is your day, not theirs!

Thanks for your question and good luck!

Let me introduce you to Kate Adam's new wedding planning blog called YouMayNowKissTheBlog.com

A few things you should firstly know about Kate:

* She is getting married in less than two months - which might just be the reason she is craving a cigarette despite the fact she has never smoked!

* Kate is using her blog as a way of relaxing before the big day and hopefully offering some advice along the way.

* She has never lived for the day, you know the girls - the ones that clip pictures from Martha Stewart Weddings as soon as their prom is over!

* Kate is feeling the heat, the stress is building up fast as the reality of planning a wedding is hitting home.

* Despite everything there is no way she will become the next "bridezilla", as Kate says about her cousin Samantha who evidently did:

She had it all down to a science and went through the whole experience like a mutant android on steroids—leaving a swath of dead bodies in her wake. I’ve sworn to myself I wouldn’t be like that. I WILL maintain a clear head through all of this. But it IS becoming harder and harder to do.

* Kate finds it hard not to ponder on cakes smashed on arrival, dresses damaged in transit, flower girls opting for a Halloween costume on the day, - where will the humiliation stop?

I highly recommend you take a time out to read her latest hilarious thoughts on planning her wedding including some amazing animations, here are some links to the first three:

1. My Awesome Ring

2. Whose Wedding Is This Anyway?

3. Gluttiny vs. Philanthropy

Enjoy Kate's Highs and Woes!

Elle

It seems Elizabeth Hurley is having trouble finding the right wedding dress! Sound familiar?

She is currently dating Indian business tycoon Arun Nayer and hasn't ruled out wearing a kaftan.

"I might just get married in an Elizabeth Hurley beach kaftan. Jewelled, of course. Hand-beaded in India."

Liz fears that with so many friends in the fashion business it would be a nightmare to try and find something that meets with their approval. I think she is missing the point, surely she should be looking for a wedding dress that makes her happy!

She reckons the easy way out is to make it herself or buy it from Debenhams.

Oh well I'm sure Liz will cope, but isn't funny to see that everyone gets stressed out about their wedding, even when they aren't engaged.

Liz, if you're reading - I recommend you take a read of my article on coping with wedding stress

I came across the following today that could certainly help out some brides when it comes to avoiding total wedding chaos...

Just imagine for a second a place where:

♥ Bridesmaids can find out their latest color selections and shoe styles.

♥ Groomsmen can find where and when to show up for their fittings.

♥ Guests can easily download maps to rehearsals and wedding showers.

♥ You as the bride can quickly find phone numbers to all of your suppliers.

♥ Where you can share pictures taken throughout the build up, during the wedding and after.

♥ Where family members can be introduced to the members of the other family all before running into them at a reception, shower or fitting.

♥ Where family and friends living out of town can get the latest information and feel connected to the wedding. Where also they can be directed to any lodging arrangements made for their visit.

Well all this and a lot more can be possible if you invest in "The Wedding Web Book". This ia a place for engaged couples offering them a single location for everyone involved to stay coordinated.

Outstanding features include:

♥ The ability to save on printing and postage costs by letting your guests R.S.V.P.

♥ To make menu selections online.

♥ To ability to enable guests to sign the guestbook and leave a personal message to the soon to be bride and groom.

Even after the wedding:

♥ This product can change as happy couple blossoms and grows.

♥ It evens allows you to have a joint database for holiday, birthday, anniversary and special occasion greetings as a couple.

So what exactly is "The Wedding Wed Book", I hear you ask?

In a nutshell it's:

♥ your very own wedding website,

with the following benefits:

♥ registration of your chosen domain name,

♥ a press release,

♥ email addresses for the wedding party,

♥ web-based email access,

♥ 24x7 helpdesk,

♥ updates throughout the ramp-up to the wedding,

♥ and the posting of digital photos before and after the nuptials.

Well for the techie ones amoungst you this could be the perfect vehicle for planning your wedding, certainly worth a look at Engraft.net. It could just be the answer to wedding chaos as we know it!

Would love to hear from anyone that uses this service and particularly if it really did save you time and effort.

Sometimes planning a wedding can be one of the most difficult things can ever do in their life, especially when your parents are separated.

This was a recent question I was asked about this subject:

"My parents are separated but they still get on reasonably well. My dad has got a girlfriend but my mum has remained single. Neither my fiance or myself particulary want the girlfriend to sit at the top table as this would make the numbers uneven and I don't really get on with her. Where would be the best place to sit my dads girlfriend instead of the top table?"

This is the reply I sent with my suggestions for resolving this dilemma:

Do you have any brothers or sisters who will not be seated on the top table with you? If so, and if they enjoy a good relationship with your Dad’s girlfriend, perhaps they could sit on the same table as her.

Alternatively, does your Dad have any siblings himself who will be attending the wedding (e.g. your Aunts and Uncles from his side of the family)? Perhaps your Dad’s girlfriend could be seated with them as they have your Dad in common and I imagine your Dad’s family will make an effort to include his girlfriend in the celebrations.

I realize that this is a tricky situation. I would suggest that you explain to your Dad (and his girlfriend if you feel comfortable doing so) that with your Mum on the top table too it would be too awkward for her to have your Dad’s girlfriend seated nearby and, more importantly, that you yourself would feel uncomfortable with the situation. I am sure that with it being your special day your Dad and his girlfriend will be sensitive to your feelings.

I attended a wedding of a close friend recently with a similar situation and the outcome was that the new girlfriend was seated on the table with the family of her boyfriend (my friend’s Dad) and she actually had a great time.

A few weeks ago a bride emailed me to say that as soon as she had announced the wedding date both families seemed keen to give input emotionally and fiancially towards it, which was welcomed with open arms. Her family insisted on covering the cost of the wedding reception and the dress as they are quite traditional in that respect. The grooms family also wanted to help cover the cost of the reception and asked to share the cost. Without meaning to be rude, the bride's parents turned down this offer as they had saved for it since she was born and graceously reminded the groom's parents that their help would be needed for many other aspects of the wedding.

This bride then went on to say that since, the groom's family have become increasingly distant from the wedding plans. They have tried to involve them in each new plan and ask advice but they seem to busy. She added that she had savings to pay for the wedding themselves but accepted her parents help because there are aspects of the wedding are now more than first estimated and consequently the funds don't seem to be stretching as far as they first thought.

Specificially this bride wanted advice on what help the groom's family can give as the wedding gets near and nearer. As outlined money has always been a difficult issue and they are not sure how to ask them without sounding as if they expect them to help fiancially as this is not the case. She understands that they may feel excluded and rejected from the wedding but this was not done spitefully. She would really love for them to get involved but doesn't want them to think it comes at a price which is completely untrue!

So I was asked what is the safest way to go about this issue without treading on any toes but making sure that the bride and groom have enough savings for the wedding of their dreams?

In my reply I started by saying I could sympathise with the difficult situation she and her fiance were in and continued my advice as follows:

It sounds like you enjoy a good relationship with your fiance's parents so do try to talk to them about the wedding. As with all dealings with future in-laws you must be sensitive to their feelings. From your e-mail it sounds like they have felt left out of the wedding arrangements so perhaps have opted to take a back-seat rather than have their offers of emotional and financial support turned down.

If your fiance's parents are financially able to contribute to the wedding then I am sure this will help them to feel included in the whole wedding planning process. Indeed during the months leading up to my own wedding, when I was making arrangements and delegating arrangements to my husband, his parents, my parents and other members of the bridal party, was really enjoyable for me. It would be a shame for this special time to be spoiled for you due to your worrying about your fiance's parents' lack of interest in the run-up to the wedding.

Is there any one aspect of the organisation of the wedding which you can delegate to the Groom's parents to both organise and contribute towards(e.g. organising and paying for flowers for the church/wedding venue and buttonholes/bouquets or the wedding transport)? These are just two examples of the costs which you are likely to incur which are traditional to the reception costs which your parents will be covering.

I would suggest also that you both make a concerted effort to include them in the details of the wedding reception. Despite the fact that they are not paying for this event I am sure that they will be very interested to know what to expect at the reception. For example, you could arrange for them to visit the wedding reception venue and show them around, describe menu plans to them or even, if its not treading on your own parent's toes, to ask for suggestions about music, table flowers, seating arrangements, wine choices etc. Just ensure that they feel included.

Does your fiance maintain a close relationship with his parents? If so, then perhaps it would be helpful to all parties concerned if he could discuss these issues with them and reassure them that they play an important and unique role in your wedding plans. Of course you don't want them to feel like they are being treated like a walking cheque book but on the other hand contributing financially might well help them to feel involved in your wedding. Another suggestion is that perhaps you and/or your fiance speak to his parents about making a contribution towards the honeymoon. That is a substantial cost which I am sure you could use some financial help with.

I understand that you don't want to alienate his parents and it is essential that they too feel included in your special day. Just as your parents have been waiting since you were a little girl for this day, so too have his parents been waiting to proudly stand by and see their son get married.

Good luck on your wedding day

Elle

It is totally normal to feel anxious and nervous as your wedding day approaches. Planning a wedding is one of the most stressful things in life that you will have to deal with but I assure you it will be well worth the effort. With all of the organizing which needs to be done in the run-up to your wedding including sticking to a budget, maintaining good relationships with family, friends and very importantly your fiancé and prospective in-laws, a never-ending wedding to-do list, dealing with uncooperative wedding suppliers and there not being enough hours in a day to deal with it all, it is no wonder you, like many other brides, are beginning to feel overwhelmed.

Whilst it is great that your pre-wedding stress will help you to stay motivated and keep you on top of finalizing all of those minute details of wedding planning it is also important to remember that this should be a special time for you – perhaps something that you have been dreaming about since you were a little girl!

I have set out below my top tips for reducing your wedding stress:

♥ Take care of yourself: My first most important tip is to cut back on the amount of hours you are taking care of wedding plans and spend them taking care of yourself.

♥ You should ensure that you are eating a balanced healthy diet including plenty of fresh fruit and vegetables. Known stimulants which will cause chemical reactions to your nervous system by making you jumpy, nervous and high-strung are caffeine, sugar and alcohol. Try to cut back on these and aim to start drinking more water instead.

♥ Ensure that you are maintaining a regular sleep pattern. Cutting back on caffeine should ensure that your body relaxes more and you are able to achieve this better. If you are getting a minimum of 8 hours sleep a night you will reduce chances of you getting tired and irritable. Wedding problems are much more difficult to deal with after a night of tossing and turning. Try not to read wedding to-do lists before going to bed at night. If you are having trouble sleeping try some relaxation techniques such as gentle music, ask your fiancé to give you a massage, try a relaxing bath with a few drops of lavender essential oil, a lavender bubble bath or light a lavender scented candle. Breathing deeply, in a rhythmic fashion and then exhaling slowly is a guaranteed way to relax your mind, body and nervous system and it slows down your adrenaline flow and should lull you into a sleepy state. Try the deep breathing exercises too when you are confronted with a stressful or frustrating situation during your wedding planning.

♥ Your body will have lots of nervous energy in the run-up to your wedding day and even if you may feel mentally tired sometimes you need to find an outlet for this energy. Any form of exercise will not only raise your fitness levels before your wedding day but will also relax tense muscles in your body and will trigger the release of endorphins in your body which help you to feel relaxed and happy. Exercise will make you feel better, look better and you will in turn be able to handle stress better. Even if pounding the treadmill or stairmaster at your local gym is not for you alternatives you could try are walking, running, swimming, walking a dog or even dancing. Learn some new dance moves to wow your guests with at your wedding reception. You could take an energetic dance class such as body jam where you are learning dance moves to music ranging from hip hop, funk, groove, Latin disco and jazz in a friendly atmosphere. The more energy which you use up, the more stress you rid yourself of.

♥ Try alternative therapies to help you relax such as aromatherapy, herbal remedies, massage and Reiki. My wife discovered Reiki massage when she was planning our wedding a few years ago. By lying still for an hour session you receive Reiki healing which allows blockages in your body to be removed so that positive energy can flow freely. My wife said that after a Reiki session she felt re-energized and experienced a general sense of wellbeing and calm which left her better equipped to deal with the wedding plans. For more information on Reiki I would recommend you visit Sensethesense.com.

Take time out:

♥ Ensure that you take time out from your wedding plans to devote to yourself. Pampering yourself will help you to relax and unwind. You could try treating yourself to a manicure, pedicure, massage treatment or a day at a spa.

♥ Take a mini-vacation away from the stress of organizing your wedding. You will return to your wedding plans feeling refreshed and calm. You could try an activity which is either stimulating or relaxing and calm. You could even get away from it all for a couple of hours or a day – try a trip to a park, a beach, the countryside, shopping, trip to the cinema (not to see wedding related films though!) or arrange to go and visit a friend. Another tip would be to do something exciting which will completely take your mind off wedding plans, such as a theme park visit, handgliding lesson, watersports activity etc.

♥ Enjoy doing some non-wedding related activities with friends or your fiancé. Make sure that everyone knows in advance that all wedding talk is banned for one night! By taking a break from wedding planning for a day or night out it will leave you feeling refreshed, physically relaxed and ready to return to your wedding plans the following day with renewed enthusiasm and verve.

Be organized:

♥ By remaining organized you will alleviate your stress as you will be secure in the knowledge that nothing has been forgotten with regarding to your wedding day.

♥ Try not to be overwhelmed. You should break your tasks into lots of smaller tasks so that they are easier to tackle and also easier to delegate.

♥ Don’t turn down offers of help which you are given. If there are things to do delegate these tasks to your partner, family and friends. I am sure that you are surrounded by family and friends who you trust who would be more than happy to play a small part in helping you organize your wedding day. Do not shoulder the responsibility for every decision with respect to the wedding day. Share the responsibility with your fiancé or, if he himself is too busy, then share the burden with your family and friends. If you have bridesmaids and ushers then do ask them for help because having tasks delegated to them prior to and on the day of your wedding is in their job description as attendants at your wedding!

♥ My advice is to delegate as much of the planning as you can so that you can concentrate on the most important part of your wedding which is you being a calm, serene bride! Draw up a list of tasks ready to delegate when your friends and family ask.

♥ Make sure that you plan well ahead. Keep a close eye on your wedding calendar to help you keep track of appointments, when suppliers and vendors need deposit checks or payment, when you need to make confirmation phone calls, deadlines for making decisions on flowers, cars etc. You should not leave things until the last minute. If you are organized and plan ahead with your wedding deadlines this will greatly reduce your stress.

Keep everything in perspective:

♥ Wedding planning always throws out challenges but its how you deal with them which will avoid stress. Don’t be overwhelmed. It is not going to be the end of the world if one of your bridesmaids goes down with the flu on the morning of your wedding or the cake is dropped in a muddy puddle! On the morning of my own wedding day my wife and I discovered that there was no church organist and therefore no music for us to walk up the aisle to. A few frantic phone calls later and I had organized a friend of a friend and everyone was none the wiser! This is just my personal example of how unexpected things can happen during the run up to a wedding but the important thing is don’t let things get on top of you.

♥ Try not to get caught up with every minute detail of your wedding day. I’m not recommending that you leave anything to chance but I do suggest that you set reasonable expectations for your wedding day. The higher your expectations are of your wedding day the greater your disappointments might well be and this will lead to more frustration and stress. Anticipate what might go wrong and plan accordingly as much as possible. Have back-up plans wherever possible and this will lessen the stress you will feel on the actual day if something goes wrong with an aspect of your wedding. Remember that sometimes when things do go wrong with a wedding it can prove to be memorable in a good way for your wedding guests and in years to come they will reminisce about your wedding for that reason. The most important thing is that your guests look back on your wedding day with memories of a happy relaxed bride not of what flowers you choose for the church or which table linen color scheme you have chosen for the wedding breakfast.

Stand firm:

♥ Avoid stress by sticking by your decisions and do not allow yourself to be swayed by other people’s opinions of how your wedding day should run. Everyone has an opinion. You have to learn to smile sweetly thank someone for their advice and make your own decision. It is not your job to try to please everyone else. Assert your authority as this is your day not theirs (even if sometimes they are contributing financially towards it). Don’t compromise on issues which are really important to you and your fiancé.

♥ Be assertive and honest whilst also being diplomatic. Try to avoid alienating anyone by being sensitive to their feelings and point of views whilst standing your ground over your own wedding choices.

♥ If there is any conflict with family and friends over the wedding plans try to explain how you feel when you and they are both calm rather than in a highly emotional state. Be assertive rather than aggressive.

Have fun:

♥ Try not to take everything too seriously. Laughing is a great way to reduce the stress you will be experiencing in the run-up to your wedding day. It is essential that you have a good laugh every now and then to relieve tension and to remember how it feels to be happy and stress-free! Think positive thoughts and remind yourself that you are doing a great job.

Take time with your fiancé:

♥ Try to remember why you are doing all of this planning in the first place. Ensure that you don’t neglect each other and that you spend time together without the wedding to-do list hovering in the background!

♥ Make time for conversations both about the wedding plans and about other things. It is all too easy to get so wrapped up in the wedding day preparations that you lose sight of why you are actually doing it. Communicate with your fiancé about how you feel and try to share any wedding worries with him – he might well be able to find solutions to problems which you had not thought of.

♥ Remember that the most important thing is for you to enjoy the time leading up to your wedding as well as the wedding day itself. At the end of the day even if you walk up the aisle without music and with a hastily made up bouquet of garden flowers, the most important part is that you will be marrying the man you love so don’t lose focus of that.

Finally I would recommend that you relax and enjoy this period of your wedding planning. You and your fiancé will have a unique wedding day, the memories of which will stay with you forever.

Good luck and enjoy yourself!

Elle